those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
