He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Randomize
