So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
