I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
