i can't believe i had my finger in that
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize