My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
