I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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