dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
