When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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