I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
