3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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