I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
