Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Who died my cat blue again?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
