hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
