I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
