When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My balls are so social today.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
