the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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