Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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