Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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