i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
