I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
