there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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