Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
