He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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