Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
