how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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