He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize