Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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