I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
