last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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