I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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