didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
