I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
