I have demons in me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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