Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
