if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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