I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
