i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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