I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
