I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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