If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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