She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
