ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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