there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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