3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Less talking, more tequila
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
