Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm at about main and main street
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
