After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
