If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
