I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
