Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
