Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
