I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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