my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize