I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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