I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
