mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
