There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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