I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
